Golf Jokes

[bobfoster]

Hit me with your best. Its cold here, can't play golf, got some spare time, and wouldn't mind a good laugh! Thread belongs here - what are the jokes you tell on the 19th hole after a couple drinks and a good cigar?

 

(Keep it clean so the mods don't throw stuff at my virtual head.)

Edited December 8, 2021 by bobfoster

[golfortennis]

I was all set until you said keep it clean.  Not sure how possible that is  🙂

 

 

 

 

[WJLIII]

While playing golf today I hit two good balls.  I stepped on a rake.

Henny Youngman

[golfortennis]

It was ladies day at Sunnybrook Golf Club.  The 4th green sat near the road, with some bushes behind.  As a threesome approached the green, a man wearing nothing but a mask ran out from the bushes.  Startled by the ladies, he stopped for a moment in a panic.  As he stood, the ladies were taking stock of his manhood, mesmerized by its size.

 

The first lady said "That's not my husband."

The second lady, "Not my husband either."

And the third lady replied, "He's not even a member of this club."

[Ty_Webb]

I have a few - I'll share the ones I think I can

 

Couple of buddies go out to play 9 holes one afternoon. They get to the first tee and there are two ladies in the fairway playing ahead of them. The ladies are playing slowly, so one guy says to the other "why don't you go up there and ask them if we can play through". So the other guy sets off, gets about half way there and comes back again. When he gets back, his buddy asks him why he stopped. The guy says "well, it's a little awkward - one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress". So the other guy says "okay - I'll go up there". So he sets off, gets about half way there and comes back again. His mate says "what? What's up?" and he says "it's a small world!"

 

Guy sitting at the bar at the golf club, looking pretty miserable, talking hoarsely to the bartender and he has a 9 iron wrapped around his neck. Bartender asks him what happened. He says "well, I was playing today and got to the 14th and sliced one into the field with the cows. I went out there to look for my ball, but was struggling to find it so I called the group behind through. One of them was the lady captain and she hit one into the same field, so they all came over to look too. I was about ready to give up when I noticed one of the cows was walking gingerly, so I went over, lifted up it's tail and it had a Titleist 4 wedged in it's butthole. I was playing a 2, so I called the lady captain over, lifted up the cow's tail and said "does that look like yours?" and the rest is history."

 

I can't do the other ones...

[bobfoster]

So Jesus and St. Peter are lounging around one afternoon, and decide they should pop down and sneak in a round at TPC Sawgrass. 

 

They come up to 17, the infamous island green, and Jesus pulls his sand wedge. St. Peter says what, are you nuts? It's playing, like, 140. You need at least a PW or 9i!

 

Jesus says no, I can do it - I saw tiger almost hole it with a SW a few years  ago. Tees it up and swings away. Ploop - way short, right into the water. 

 

So they head towards the green. Jesus, naturally, starts walking out over the water, looking down to try to see his ball.

 

The foursome waiting on the tee are shocked. One yells Hey! Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?

 

St. Peter yells back No! He thinks he's freakin' Tiger Woods!

[Petethreeput]

This is in the other joke thread, but perhaps it is far enough in there no one read it.

 

An anatomy professor has been noticing a lack of involvement or interest in his lectures so he decides to change it up a little bit.  The class topic is on involuntary muscle contractions, so he begins is lecture and people start to doze off.  He picks one woman who is particularly disinterested and asks her directly, "In relation to the topic, do you know what your a**hole is doing when you're having an orgasm?"

 

The young lady realizes it is directed at her and responds, "Probably playing golf."