What to do when a golf buddy loses his desire to play?

Mych · May 19

This is more of a vent than a question, but if anyone has advice I'm all ears.

One of my golf buddies and best friends is losing his desire to play and I'm not sure what to do. We became friends playing softball together about 20 years ago, and transitioned from softball to golf and occasional fishing about 10 years ago. We've played through my wife and kids driving me crazy, him meeting and marrying his wife, and marathon house remodels after hurricanes and a fire. I've claimed his dad as my own since my dad passed (and his dad is a damn good golfer also).

Lately I can tell his flame is getting really low. After our last round he made a comment that he thinks he's going to take the summer off and his wife told me that he came home and said "I'm not sure golf is for me anymore", which she has never heard him say before. I personally think it's temporary and that the stubborn competitiveness that I've seen since we met will kick in soon and he'll turn back into the short-game machine that he used to be, but I am a little worried that his frustration might be deeper than I thought.

I still love playing and will have an empty nest for the first time this fall, so I'll probably be playing more often than in the past. My first thought was that we should stop keeping our handicaps and take away the pressure to play well, but that's probably the only thing that kept him playing if he was truly at a breaking point. My next thought was maybe getting back to the basics, walking some 9 hole rounds after work or playing in a minimally competitive league night together instead of playing weekends. I think being part of a bigger, more social, more relaxed golf group could help him look forward to it again.

As far as I can tell, there isn't anything else (marriage/job/family) that he's getting dragged down by, so I really think he just isn't enjoying the game right now and I want to make room to keep the friendship going if he decides not to play for a while (or at all).

Has anyone faced this, and how did you handle it?

aenemated · May 20

It ebbs and flows, man. I went from playing pretty much constantly from 8 years old till about 24 or so ... to practically not at all till I was around 40 when it got me again. Like, I've played more in the last month than I did in all those years between.

Part of it was my dad - who introduced me to the game and was my constant playing partner - passed away tragically when I was 22 and I was also getting more into playing music so getting home from a Friday or Saturday gig at 4AM wasn't all that conducive to making a tee time the next day. 😂

Point being ... can't really force it. I will say I regret all those years I missed.

NCLancer · May 22

@Mych Thank you for taking the time to write a well-thought out post. I cannot pretend to have any answers for you and as @aenemated so accurately said you cannot make him play. He'll have to make the decisions for himself and decide if it's a permanent break or just a temporary malaise.

I have had one experience with a similar situation and I do not wish the outcome on anyone. We moved to North Carolina for my wife's job and we knew nobody in the area. On a random late spring Saturday at UNC Finley we were paired with a single and we all got along great so he and I exchanged numbers. Our games meshed and we played together regularly the next few years. We were very close talent-wise but the last few times we played he just wasn't the same. He said he needed some time away to work on his game during the fall. I let him go about a month and emailed him to see how he was and he curiously did not return my message. We sent him a Christmas card but did not receive one from him. Called him and got no answer. Googled him and unfortunately and shockingly found his obituary. He passed from a rare and fast-acting neurological disease which affected coordination and spatial abilities...he is missed.

Mych · May 22

12 hours ago, NCLancer said:

@Mych Thank you for taking the time to write a well-thought out post. I cannot pretend to have any answers for you and as @aenemated so accurately said you cannot make him play. He'll have to make the decisions for himself and decide if it's a permanent break or just a temporary malaise.

I have had one experience with a similar situation and I do not wish the outcome on anyone. We moved to North Carolina for my wife's job and we knew nobody in the area. On a random late spring Saturday at UNC Finley we were paired with a single and we all got along great so he and I exchanged numbers. Our games meshed and we played together regularly the next few years. We were very close talent-wise but the last few times we played he just wasn't the same. He said he needed some time away to work on his game during the fall. I let him go about a month and emailed him to see how he was and he curiously did not return my message. We sent him a Christmas card but did not receive one from him. Called him and got no answer. Googled him and unfortunately and shockingly found his obituary. He passed from a rare and fast-acting neurological disease which affected coordination and spatial abilities...he is missed.

I think scenario is a good description of my fear. Not that something is wrong, but that if I don't find a way to replace our "thing" with another thing, it may fundamentally change our friendship for the worse. Thanks for adding your experience, I'll make sure that he and I don't lose touch while he's figuring things out.

Edited May 22 by Mych