Dealing with an Angry Golf Buddy??

[Ghost_Orchid]

I have a friend who used to act like this...he hits a bad shot, he slams clubs, doesn't talk, curses, blames the wind, blames the green, blames his shoes, blames his putter, he doesn't understand why he's hitting it so bad when he hits it good on the range...I finally had enough one day and I said to him during one of his tantrums 'Dude, suck it up. Nobody give a f&*k that you hit a bad shot. Man up!! We're amateurs, we work for a living, we're just not that good'.

Played with his couple days ago, and not a peep. He hits a bad shot, and he laughs it off. Unfortunately, I think its all gonna come boiling up one of these days.

[Skaffa77]

[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372124086' post='7317312']
Sounds like a mommas boy, and his dad should have whipped his a$$ when he was younger and all 3 of you would not be dealing with this situation currently. But there is a pattern, his dad is afraid to confront him and so are you. WHY? Until he sees that there are consequences to his actions (not playing with you and losing that connection as "golfing buddy" and having to try to find someone else to put up with him) nothing is going to change. Life is tough, not everything is gonna be non-confrontational, but a persons actions are their responsibilty and if he cant control his self, then why should you burden yourself with him on the course? It is definitely time for his dad to step up and to straighten him out. I wouldnt want my legacy to be the type of fool you describe.
[/quote]

Ironically, his behavior could be a result of extreme expectations by his parents (whippings, perfectionism, etc).

[irishguy824]

His inability to even say goodbye to his own father screams of disrespect to me. He doesn't respect his playing partners or the game if he's acting like that.

It would be best to tell him that the way he acts on the course is unacceptable and that if he can't keep himself under control you can't play with him because he makes the game unenjoyable. Just going off to play without him without telling him why is only going to cause problems between the two of you.

[Smash Factors]

There's nothing you can do beyond asking him to chill out and if he is unwilling then that's just how it is.

You can offer to buy his round (or drinks, food, whatever...) if he promises to remain cool, but that's only a temporary fix until he starts paying for his own rounds again.

The realization that a bad attitude breeds bad shots is something you can only experience for yourself.

Last season I topped my drive on the 1st hole in front of everyone. I remained completely calm....no reaction what so ever.

Then, I chunked my approach. Again....no reaction, completely calm.

3rd shot short of the green......still no reaction. On the green in 4 with a 3 putt for triple. They thought I was a total hack.

I ended up with 3 birdies on the front nine for 1 over par. After the 4th hole the guys I was playing with joked with me and said that i was sandbagging them on the 1st hole.

Until your friend experiences something like that he probably wont change.

[ctmason_98]

So I think we've progressed from the OP asking what he should do....then insisting he knew the right thing to do was to do nothing (sort of), and now I believe if I could summarize the advice of the group it would be to beat him up, drive him out into a field and set his body ablaze, then double back to his father's house and beat HIM up for being a child abuser....I think I've gotten everything in there.

[SatelliteGuy]

Just stop playing golf with the guy.

Or.

Tell him to get a flippin' grip and grow the F' up.


How's that for uncomplicated, to the point advice.

[turtleback]

[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372096379' post='7314200']

You are doing exactly what he does. Taking golf to seriously. I am pretty laid back overall, I won't be stressed playing without him waiting for him to either A) figure it out or B) say something so I can explain it to him. Why would I compromise the living situation for a golf game? The people that suggested to stop playing with him and if he questions it then explain why, have the easiest and least confrontational way to do this. If I didn't live with him it would be different. I would tell him right away.
[/quote]

Playing without him and waiting for him to bring it up seems a little passive aggressive to me.

[jdmorris1980]

[quote name='Skaffa77' timestamp='1372126648' post='7317708']
[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372124086' post='7317312']
Sounds like a mommas boy, and his dad should have whipped his a$$ when he was younger and all 3 of you would not be dealing with this situation currently. But there is a pattern, his dad is afraid to confront him and so are you. WHY? Until he sees that there are consequences to his actions (not playing with you and losing that connection as "golfing buddy" and having to try to find someone else to put up with him) nothing is going to change. Life is tough, not everything is gonna be non-confrontational, but a persons actions are their responsibilty and if he cant control his self, then why should you burden yourself with him on the course? It is definitely time for his dad to step up and to straighten him out. I wouldnt want my legacy to be the type of fool you describe.
[/quote]

Ironically, his behavior could be a result of extreme expectations by his parents (whippings, perfectionism, etc).
[/quote]
You must not have read that he disrespects his father, and his father balks at bringing his actions up with his son but talks about his behavior to others. With all that being said, I don't think what you're thinking is correct, but I will admit I may be wrong.

[Sean2]

Barnacle, you could just show him this thread.

[larrybud]

[quote name='TJCDAS' timestamp='1372089384' post='7313260']
People don't change--just don't golf with him.
[/quote]

Not true at all. Years ago a buddy of mine would throw clubs and after one ridiculous round where he didn't say a word for 9 holes and helicoptered a club 50 yards down the fairway, I told him in an e-mail the next day that playing golf with him yesterday was no fun at all. He apologized, and completely changed his act on the course. Just needed a wakeup call from a friend.

[thug the bunny]

A little OT, but long ago I hooked up with a couple guys who were buds, and the one guy was playing pretty badly and after he turned the sod over an iron shot he helicoptered his club into a hazard area overgrown with weeds and shrubs, and his buddy deadpanned, "Hey Joe, I think you will need to throw a provisional club cause I don't think we're going to find that one." I almost fell down laughing, and Joe lightened up and actually started playing well for the rest of the round.

Pretty graphic demonstration of how you can't play well when you're all twisted up with anger....

[Barnacle]

[quote name='turtleback' timestamp='1372137079' post='7318818']
[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372096379' post='7314200']
You are doing exactly what he does. Taking golf to seriously. I am pretty laid back overall, I won't be stressed playing without him waiting for him to either A) figure it out or B) say something so I can explain it to him. Why would I compromise the living situation for a golf game? The people that suggested to stop playing with him and if he questions it then explain why, have the easiest and least confrontational way to do this. If I didn't live with him it would be different. I would tell him right away.
[/quote]

Playing without him and waiting for him to bring it up seems a little passive aggressive to me.


[/quote]
I don't really consider it passive aggressive in this case because it has already been brought up with him in this case.

[Pepperturbo]

[quote name='ctmason_98' timestamp='1372108024' post='7315522']
[quote name='thug the bunny' timestamp='1372101913' post='7314894']
OP, your buddy sounds like my son, but my son has the excuse of being a teenager who has yet to learn the art of self control. My son has been playing only 3 yrs but he made the HS team so he has (unrealistic) high expectations plus the pressure of having to perform. Nevertheless, his behavior on the course was unacceptable - smashing his (my) clubs into the ground, sulking, not talking to anyone...it was embarrasing playing with other people. He actually broke my driver shaft and 5w shaft, both when I was not playing with him, and claimed that the driver just snapped when he hit a ball, and the 5w shaft (get this!....) just broke in his bag somehow. I called out his BS saying I have been playing 25 yrs and have not broken one shaft, and told him he had better stop or I would take his (my) clubs back and cancel our CC membership. He finally grew up some and not only does he just suck it up and fight through it when he has a bad round, but he actually has less bad rounds now.
[/quote]

Who knows what the future holds, but my wife and I both agreed that if we ever saw our son (who is little) display that type of behavior playing golf the round was through, right then. No exceptions. If he plays for high school or in a junior tournament, we would ask that he be DQ'ed immediately. Pattern continues, he's not playing anymore.

I played other sports as a kid and my attitude was horrible, I honestly wish my parents had just put a stop to it, but ultimately it was my responsibility.
[/quote]

Sounds great that you and your wife are on the same page regarding the value of tough love...

[myspinonit]

This sentence stuck out for me: "He just got in his car and literally sped off the golf course." I already had wondered what kind of recklesss driver this guy might be...sounds like he really has severe anger management issues. And a total disregard for appropriate behavior.

Sure talk to him. Maybe he will let you speak with him about it in an adult fashion- and maybe he will listen and maybe even get some outside counselling.

I wouldn't hold my breath.

But if he doesn't want to listen to this and clean up his act (golf or otherwise) do you really want to keep living in the same house as this guy, especially if you are bringing your own relationship into a toxic situation? You already have stated the house situation is "delicate", and I'm guessing from the phrase that means treading on eggshells at times since you also said your friend is not one who takes criticism well.

I get that your lease ends next March, and that is a concern for this, but you might want to think about the issue beyond some penalty for breaking a lease, assuming there is a break lease penalty clause.

[MoreGolfLessWork]

I have recently moved to a new course partly because of a regular playing partner. I don't mind a bit of emotion, I work on the basis of get it out of the way and continue with the round and the company. My mate would not say a word for an entire round and would just be so self-abusive. Really brought the group down. I tried talking to him and this only made it worse, so I decided to move to another course. Some people just can't be helped.

[Arizonalefty59]

Offer him a cigarette and fill it with ganja hahaha.

[myspinonit]

[quote name='myspinonit' timestamp='1372200785' post='7323632']
This sentence stuck out for me: "He just got in his car and literally sped off the golf course." I already had wondered what kind of recklesss driver this guy might be...sounds like he really has severe anger management issues. And a total disregard for appropriate behavior.

Sure talk to him. Maybe he will let you speak with him about it in an adult fashion- and maybe he will listen and maybe even get some outside counselling.

I wouldn't hold my breath.

But if he doesn't want to listen to this and clean up his act (golf or otherwise) do you really want to keep living in the same house as this guy, especially if you are bringing your own relationship into a toxic situation? You already have stated the house situation is "delicate", and I'm guessing from the phrase that means treading on eggshells at times since you also said your friend is not one who takes criticism well.

I get that your lease ends next March, and that is a concern for this, but you might want to think about the issue beyond some penalty for breaking a lease, assuming there is a break lease penalty clause.
[/quote]

ps...I'm not sure if anyone suggested that you get your girlfriend's opinion, but that hopefully is a big part of how you choose to handle this. You have indicated that she does offer her opinions to you and of course she has a vested interest in the situation and knows you and your friend. We don't and are making value judgements from what we read and pecreive from that.

[Pweb44]

[color="#000000"]IMO if the OP would like to bring up this buddy’s poor behavior and actions on the course a good time to do so is over a casual drink some night sitting around the house since they are roommates when his buddy has a cool head and may be willing to listen. I know some feel something should be said at the time he is acting like a tool on the course since it has been an ongoing occurrence but if the guy is hot then most times anything you say is going in one ear and out the other because they are going to be too focused on their tantrum. Now maybe some night when the OP is prepping for a round he could mention to his buddy that his actions during recent rounds took the fun out of the day and that the OP is considering maybe they should take a break from playing together if his buddy is not prepared to make a serious attempt to keep his cool. If he is willing to accept and discuss why he gets to the boiling point with a calm head then maybe the buddy can make a choice to try not to let things get out of hand next time. [/color]

[color="#000000"]More importantly is the Dad really needs to step up and voice his opinion since he is there to witness his actions and tell him directly. It has to be pretty bad if your own father is so disgusted by his actions that he would rather not play a round with him. Then again maybe the dad has spoken to them in the past but his son has not changed then the Dad may have reached the point where he says I’ve tried but is ready to wash his hands of the situation. Some people can be so hard headed that no matter what you say they are going to do what they want to do and to hell with other people’s opinion or advice. [/color]

[color="#000000"]We are talking about grown adults here and no matter how much you try to correct your buddies on course actions and behaviors’ it's still in the end is up to your friend to realize what is making him so hot headed on the course and choose to make the changes needed before it is too late.[/color]

[indyvai]

Take him to the zoo...

[farmer]

You describe your living arrangement as "delicate". If you and your GF and his fiance' are walking on eggshells to keep him from going off, then you need to change your living arrangement. Years ago, I had a good friend and occasional roommate who acted much the same on the course as you describe. Unfortunately, as his first and second wives attested, his anger management issues were a part of his normal life. Everyone I've known who was that volatile on the course was that volatile off the course.

[Huntster]

[quote name='larrybud' timestamp='1372166391' post='7319804']
[quote name='TJCDAS' timestamp='1372089384' post='7313260']
People don't change--just don't golf with him.
[/quote]

Not true at all. Years ago a buddy of mine would throw clubs and after one ridiculous round where he didn't say a word for 9 holes and helicoptered a club 50 yards down the fairway, I told him in an e-mail the next day that playing golf with him yesterday was no fun at all. He apologized, and completely changed his act on the course. Just needed a wakeup call from a friend.
[/quote]

I had the same thing happen to me from a friend and I changed. If I didn't then I would be looking for new golfer partners. That was my wake up call and it worked. I still get frustrated with poor shots but don't carry it from hole to hole anymore.

[Barnacle]

So just a little update for everyone, my friend asked me to play 9 today with him, the course is a somewhat challenging par 33. I declined, because of how he acts and also I already had plans to work on my chipping. He goes out to play and comes back saying he shot 4 over, and then I find out he shot 1 over on Monday in the rain. None of the regular group went out with him. Some background on this course, its challenging enough with quite a few water hazards and some well defended greens that I have never been able to break 40, even when I was playing at my best shooting low 80's on 18. This is happening after my friend just shot a 102 on 18 on Saturday (i.e. the last time I played with him and he lost it). You can probably see what I am thinking at this point. So now I may take a slightly more childish approach to this and continue to play with him just so I can beat him every single time we play together. I know its not very mature but with lying about his scores and throwing tantrums on the course I see he has no respect for the game or any of us that he plays with. Let me know what you think.

[myspinonit]

[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372306164' post='7332396']
So just a little update for everyone, my friend asked me to play 9 today with him, the course is a somewhat challenging par 33. I declined, because of how he acts and also I already had plans to work on my chipping. He goes out to play and comes back saying he shot 4 over, and then I find out he shot 1 over on Monday in the rain. None of the regular group went out with him. Some background on this course, its challenging enough with quite a few water hazards and some well defended greens that I have never been able to break 40, even when I was playing at my best shooting low 80's on 18. This is happening after my friend just shot a 102 on 18 on Saturday (i.e. the last time I played with him and he lost it). You can probably see what I am thinking at this point. So now I may take a slightly more childish approach to this and continue to play with him just so I can beat him every single time we play together. I know its not very mature but with lying about his scores and throwing tantrums on the course I see he has no respect for the game or any of us that he plays with. Let me know what you think.
[/quote]
What I think? This is a tad bigger than a golf game. Like you said in your last post in how you decided in the short term how to deal with this "I know its not very mature".

I still think you had best talk with and level with your girlfriend (that presumably you care about) that lives with all of you. And that you should have done that and remarked on that before you posted to this forum. And if your last post that is still the best way you are dealing with this, yup, "it's not very mature" and "childish" (all your words) and you should ask to be sorry for wasting our time asking for and receiving thoughtful input since you have admitted you aren't mature enough.

End of thread. Good luck to you and to both of your female partners. Think they will need it.

[Barnacle]

[quote name='myspinonit' timestamp='1372309396' post='7332540']
[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372306164' post='7332396']
So just a little update for everyone, my friend asked me to play 9 today with him, the course is a somewhat challenging par 33. I declined, because of how he acts and also I already had plans to work on my chipping. He goes out to play and comes back saying he shot 4 over, and then I find out he shot 1 over on Monday in the rain. None of the regular group went out with him. Some background on this course, its challenging enough with quite a few water hazards and some well defended greens that I have never been able to break 40, even when I was playing at my best shooting low 80's on 18. This is happening after my friend just shot a 102 on 18 on Saturday (i.e. the last time I played with him and he lost it). You can probably see what I am thinking at this point. So now I may take a slightly more childish approach to this and continue to play with him just so I can beat him every single time we play together. I know its not very mature but with lying about his scores and throwing tantrums on the course I see he has no respect for the game or any of us that he plays with. Let me know what you think.
[/quote]
What I think? This is a tad bigger than a golf game. Like you said in your last post in how you decided in the short term how to deal with this "I know its not very mature".

I still think you had best talk with and level with your girlfriend (that presumably you care about) that lives with all of you. And that you should have done that and remarked on that before you posted to this forum. And if your last post that is still the best way you are dealing with this, yup, "it's not very mature" and "childish" (all your words) and you should ask to be sorry for wasting our time asking for and receiving thoughtful input since you have admitted you aren't mature enough.

End of thread. Good luck to you and to both of your female partners. Think they will need it.
[/quote]

I said I may do it, may, as in might, as in thinking about it. I realize its not the most mature thing on the planet. I like the automatic judgement jump though. Its not as if several people didn't already suggest I do exactly what I proposed. Some people are even worse suggesting my friend was abused as a child. Its okay for them to say something as immature as that but not me because I asked for advice? Please Please step down from your high horse and join the rest of us mortals. I also never asked for your insight into my relationship with my girlfriend. She is well aware of the situation and given me her thoughts on the topic at hand.

If I wanted relationship advice I would have called Dr. Drew.

[Dr. Shankenstein]

[quote name='esketores' timestamp='1372097301' post='7314316']
Does his fiancé know what kind of ****** he becomes when things are not going his way and the stress from poor performance changes his demeanor in a negative manor?
I hope so. Because there's good chance his marriage is doomed before it begins.
He might has well start anger management classes sooner rather than later.
The Bob Rotella suggestion given in conjunction with a heart to heart would be doing the fellow a favor. Because if the light bulb does not go off after that... he is a lost cause for a golfing companion. And that is what friends are for... to be honest. If honesty destroys a friendship then you were never really friends in the first place.
[/quote]
exactly. I think your friend needs some help. As you quoted in the OP "Golf doesn't build character, it reveals it". I think what you saw on the course is just a microcosom of how he is in the world. This can be especially concerning in his relationships. He will soon be a husband and if the marraige last long enough, a father himself. It is not fun for anyone (nor safe) to have an angry husband or father who can't control or express his anger in pro-social ways. I think having a discussion with him as a concerned friend is the first task, professional help may also be needed.

[Pweb44]

Has your angry golf buddy ever mentioned on his own about his outburst and actions on the course to you or your playing partners after the round, as in the next day or next time he would see the dads?

I have found that until a person has acknowldged there is a problem themselves they are less likely to really try to change the behaviour or accept any advice you or the dads could provide him.

[Barnacle]

[quote name='Pweb44' timestamp='1372345502' post='7334334']
Has your angry golf buddy ever mentioned on his own about his outburst and actions on the course to you or your playing partners after the round, as in the next day or next time he would see the dads?

I have found that until a person has acknowldged there is a problem themselves they are less likely to really try to change the behaviour or accept any advice you or the dads could provide him.
[/quote]

This is the biggest thing that irks me the most about all of this. He admitted he has an issue with his anger, yet last weekend was without a doubt the worst he has ever gotten.

[Pweb44]

[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372345932' post='7334388']
[quote name='Pweb44' timestamp='1372345502' post='7334334']
Has your angry golf buddy ever mentioned on his own about his outburst and actions on the course to you or your playing partners after the round, as in the next day or next time he would see the dads?

I have found that until a person has acknowldged there is a problem themselves they are less likely to really try to change the behaviour or accept any advice you or the dads could provide him.
[/quote]

This is the biggest thing that irks me the most about all of this. He admitted he has an issue with his anger, yet last weekend was without a doubt the worst he has ever gotten.
[/quote]

To me sounds like your buddy will offer lip service when the subjest of his anger on the course is brought up but he either feels it is not as bad as other see it or he'll only admit he has a problem to take the heat off when you or the dads/anyone else involved says anything.

Really the ball is in his court and until he is truly ready to acknowledge his anger in an honest light he will continue to behave this way or even get worse.

[Barnacle]

[quote name='Pweb44' timestamp='1372349355' post='7334818']
[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372345932' post='7334388']
[quote name='Pweb44' timestamp='1372345502' post='7334334']
Has your angry golf buddy ever mentioned on his own about his outburst and actions on the course to you or your playing partners after the round, as in the next day or next time he would see the dads?

I have found that until a person has acknowldged there is a problem themselves they are less likely to really try to change the behaviour or accept any advice you or the dads could provide him.
[/quote]

This is the biggest thing that irks me the most about all of this. He admitted he has an issue with his anger, yet last weekend was without a doubt the worst he has ever gotten.
[/quote]

To me sounds like your buddy will offer lip service when the subjest of his anger on the course is brought up but he either feels it is not as bad as other see it or he'll only admit he has a problem to take the heat off when you or the dads/anyone else involved says anything.

Really the ball is in his court and until he is truly ready to acknowledge his anger in an honest light he will continue to behave this way or even get worse.
[/quote]

While its fun to talk about playing with and trying to win every time (I love competition), realistically I will try to avoid playing with him for the rest of the season. If the regular 4some goes out again then I will of course go out. I try to never miss an opportunity to play with my Dad. We always have a good time and are very competitive but never to the point of causing bad feelings (literally I have never gotten mad that he won and he has never been mad if I beat him). Luckily there are enough Courses in the area that I can play anytime I want to.

I know some think this may be a little passive aggressive but for our situation this is the best way to do this.

[myspinonit]

[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372353603' post='7335416']
[quote name='Pweb44' timestamp='1372349355' post='7334818']
[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372345932' post='7334388']
[quote name='Pweb44' timestamp='1372345502' post='7334334']
Has your angry golf buddy ever mentioned on his own about his outburst and actions on the course to you or your playing partners after the round, as in the next day or next time he would see the dads?

I have found that until a person has acknowldged there is a problem themselves they are less likely to really try to change the behaviour or accept any advice you or the dads could provide him.
[/quote]

This is the biggest thing that irks me the most about all of this. He admitted he has an issue with his anger, yet last weekend was without a doubt the worst he has ever gotten.
[/quote]

To me sounds like your buddy will offer lip service when the subjest of his anger on the course is brought up but he either feels it is not as bad as other see it or he'll only admit he has a problem to take the heat off when you or the dads/anyone else involved says anything.

Really the ball is in his court and until he is truly ready to acknowledge his anger in an honest light he will continue to behave this way or even get worse.
[/quote]

While its fun to talk about playing with and trying to win every time (I love competition), realistically I will try to avoid playing with him for the rest of the season. If the regular 4some goes out again then I will of course go out. I try to never miss an opportunity to play with my Dad. We always have a good time and are very competitive but never to the point of causing bad feelings (literally I have never gotten mad that he won and he has never been mad if I beat him). Luckily there are enough Courses in the area that I can play anytime I want to.

I know some think this may be a little passive aggressive but for our situation this is the best way to do this.
[/quote]

I wish you well with this. And I apologize if I was coming on strong or sounded like or was trying to give you relationship advice.( I am concerned about his fiance though.) Sounds like you and your gal have agreed on a way that is best for now and that of course is your decision. As I said in a reply yesterday we who read these take value judgements from the information which necessarily doesn't always give the full information you have at your disposal.