Dealing with an Angry Golf Buddy??

[turtleback]

[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372306164' post='7332396']
So just a little update for everyone, my friend asked me to play 9 today with him, the course is a somewhat challenging par 33. I declined, because of how he acts and also I already had plans to work on my chipping. He goes out to play and comes back saying he shot 4 over, and then I find out he shot 1 over on Monday in the rain. None of the regular group went out with him. Some background on this course, its challenging enough with quite a few water hazards and some well defended greens that I have never been able to break 40, even when I was playing at my best shooting low 80's on 18. This is happening after my friend just shot a 102 on 18 on Saturday (i.e. the last time I played with him and he lost it). You can probably see what I am thinking at this point. So now I may take a slightly more childish approach to this and continue to play with him just so I can beat him every single time we play together. I know its not very mature but with lying about his scores and throwing tantrums on the course I see he has no respect for the game or any of us that he plays with. Let me know what you think.
[/quote]

Being rude on the course, and lying about his scores, are two very different issues. Why would you do something that you know is childish and immature? THAT is giving your "buddy" control over YOUR values.

Maybe your buddy is really only part of the problem.

[Barnacle]

[quote name='myspinonit' timestamp='1372355989' post='7335728']
[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372353603' post='7335416']
[quote name='Pweb44' timestamp='1372349355' post='7334818']
[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372345932' post='7334388']
[quote name='Pweb44' timestamp='1372345502' post='7334334']
Has your angry golf buddy ever mentioned on his own about his outburst and actions on the course to you or your playing partners after the round, as in the next day or next time he would see the dads?

I have found that until a person has acknowldged there is a problem themselves they are less likely to really try to change the behaviour or accept any advice you or the dads could provide him.
[/quote]

This is the biggest thing that irks me the most about all of this. He admitted he has an issue with his anger, yet last weekend was without a doubt the worst he has ever gotten.
[/quote]

To me sounds like your buddy will offer lip service when the subjest of his anger on the course is brought up but he either feels it is not as bad as other see it or he'll only admit he has a problem to take the heat off when you or the dads/anyone else involved says anything.

Really the ball is in his court and until he is truly ready to acknowledge his anger in an honest light he will continue to behave this way or even get worse.
[/quote]

While its fun to talk about playing with and trying to win every time (I love competition), realistically I will try to avoid playing with him for the rest of the season. If the regular 4some goes out again then I will of course go out. I try to never miss an opportunity to play with my Dad. We always have a good time and are very competitive but never to the point of causing bad feelings (literally I have never gotten mad that he won and he has never been mad if I beat him). Luckily there are enough Courses in the area that I can play anytime I want to.

I know some think this may be a little passive aggressive but for our situation this is the best way to do this.
[/quote]

I wish you well with this. And I apologize if I was coming on strong or sounded like or was trying to give you relationship advice.( I am concerned about his fiance though.) Sounds like you and your gal have agreed on a way that is best for now and that of course is your decision. As I said in a reply yesterday we who read these take value judgements from the information which necessarily doesn't always give the full information you have at your disposal.
[/quote]

Sorry I got heated, it was late at night and i just got told my angry buddy shot 4 over...I was a little miffed to say the least. I understand people are just trying to help (well most anyway). Thank you for your input.

[Barnacle]

[quote name='turtleback' timestamp='1372356273' post='7335778']
[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372306164' post='7332396']
So just a little update for everyone, my friend asked me to play 9 today with him, the course is a somewhat challenging par 33. I declined, because of how he acts and also I already had plans to work on my chipping. He goes out to play and comes back saying he shot 4 over, and then I find out he shot 1 over on Monday in the rain. None of the regular group went out with him. Some background on this course, its challenging enough with quite a few water hazards and some well defended greens that I have never been able to break 40, even when I was playing at my best shooting low 80's on 18. This is happening after my friend just shot a 102 on 18 on Saturday (i.e. the last time I played with him and he lost it). You can probably see what I am thinking at this point. So now I may take a slightly more childish approach to this and continue to play with him just so I can beat him every single time we play together. I know its not very mature but with lying about his scores and throwing tantrums on the course I see he has no respect for the game or any of us that he plays with. Let me know what you think.
[/quote]

Being rude on the course, and lying about his scores, are two very different issues. Why would you do something that you know is childish and immature? THAT is giving your "buddy" control over YOUR values.

Maybe your buddy is really only part of the problem.
[/quote]

This has been addressed. I made the decision to not do this. (also I am 23, I think I can still be immature at times though this wasn't one of those times)

[Blues Golfer]

Difficult situation. I am actually considering writing a book on this topic. Having anger problems on the golf course is serious actually. Telling him to "man up" or "grow up" or "chill"...it's almost throwing gas on the fire. Is he childish and immature? I doubt that is the whole story. I think he is as consumed as anyone on this board with golf, and being a good golfer.

Refusing to play with him is reasonable - why waste your money like that.

But you came to this board looking for a way to "reach" your friend and help him. He is your friend, after all.

For less than the price of the clubs he bought, he could be twice the golfer he is. But to do it, he has to be serious about it. He cannot fake it, he cannot take short cuts, he has to honestly put his effort into working on his mental game issues in golf. I could (and many others here could) rattle off a list of mental game books he could buy and study, that would start him out to managing his problem and improving his game.

I will say what I assume to be true - he thinks that if he ever did just play the way he wants, his anger (weak mental game) would go away. He has it exactly backwards in his case. His weak mental game will never allow him to play the way he wants. Once in a while he might get lucky and get close...but it will not be often and it will not stay. He can go to the range all he wants - he is not as serious about his golf game as he thinks he is, until he addresses his mental game issues.

[Skaffa77]

[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372139417' post='7318946']
[quote name='Skaffa77' timestamp='1372126648' post='7317708']
[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372124086' post='7317312']
Sounds like a mommas boy, and his dad should have whipped his a$$ when he was younger and all 3 of you would not be dealing with this situation currently. But there is a pattern, his dad is afraid to confront him and so are you. WHY? Until he sees that there are consequences to his actions (not playing with you and losing that connection as "golfing buddy" and having to try to find someone else to put up with him) nothing is going to change. Life is tough, not everything is gonna be non-confrontational, but a persons actions are their responsibilty and if he cant control his self, then why should you burden yourself with him on the course? It is definitely time for his dad to step up and to straighten him out. I wouldnt want my legacy to be the type of fool you describe.
[/quote]

Ironically, his behavior could be a result of extreme expectations by his parents (whippings, perfectionism, etc).
[/quote]
You must not have read that he disrespects his father, and his father balks at bringing his actions up with his son but talks about his behavior to others. With all that being said, I don't think what you're thinking is correct, but I will admit I may be wrong.
[/quote]

No, I read that. You're making an assumption that the person's behavior to his father and his father's reaction is justification of being spoiled. I'm saying it may not be the case. Just because the father is a bit embaressed by his son's behavior doesn't mean that his son grew up with a sense of spoiled entitlement. It's very much possible that the other extreme, high expectations and perfectionism, is a potential cause. Now that the son has major anger issues...parent pay not know how to handle it anymore. Hindsight is 20/20 and I think most parents would agree...

I have a buddy who's father is a fairly congenial guy to me and others, but puts a lot of pressure on his son. It wasn't something you would notice immediately, but I picked up on it over time. As a result, my buddy puts extreme expectations on himself to the point of being publicly loud and angry when things don't go his way. It's to the point where he is not very pleasant to be around. Father was a bit more "chilled" in public and probably has mellowed out in his later years, but he was "publicly" embaressed when his son would act out. If I recall, his father even had trouble addressing the issue in public...

Point being...the individual in question has an anger issue and it seems to occur when his expectations are not met. It could very well be that he is "spoiled" and a "momma's boy", but my experience would tell me that it could be the other extreme...he had extreme presure place upon him during his upbringing and failure to meet expectations now raises some major "anger" flags in his life now. No one outside of the person will truly know/understand the root cause until he decides to address it.

[Smash Factors]

Let's not blow this whole thing out of proportion.

He's probably a very competitive person by nature and just gets frustrated when he doesn't perform up to his standards. I understand this frustration because I know my potential and usually don't achieve it. Yes, I've been angry on the golf course....very angry, but over time I have learned that anger just breeds more bad shots. Knowing that has made it easier (Or a requirement) for me to calm down.

As I said in my earlier post, there's really nothing you can do beyond asking him to knock it off.

[Pepperturbo]

[quote name='Skaffa77' timestamp='1372688694' post='7361786']
[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372139417' post='7318946']
[quote name='Skaffa77' timestamp='1372126648' post='7317708']
[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372124086' post='7317312']
Sounds like a mommas boy, and his dad should have whipped his a$$ when he was younger and all 3 of you would not be dealing with this situation currently. But there is a pattern, his dad is afraid to confront him and so are you. WHY? Until he sees that there are consequences to his actions (not playing with you and losing that connection as "golfing buddy" and having to try to find someone else to put up with him) nothing is going to change. Life is tough, not everything is gonna be non-confrontational, but a persons actions are their responsibilty and if he cant control his self, then why should you burden yourself with him on the course? It is definitely time for his dad to step up and to straighten him out. I wouldnt want my legacy to be the type of fool you describe.
[/quote]

Ironically, his behavior could be a result of extreme expectations by his parents (whippings, perfectionism, etc).
[/quote]
You must not have read that he disrespects his father, and his father balks at bringing his actions up with his son but talks about his behavior to others. With all that being said, I don't think what you're thinking is correct, but I will admit I may be wrong.
[/quote]

No, I read that. You're making an assumption that the person's behavior to his father and his father's reaction is justification of being spoiled. I'm saying it may not be the case. Just because the father is a bit embaressed by his son's behavior doesn't mean that his son grew up with a sense of spoiled entitlement. It's very much possible that the other extreme, high expectations and perfectionism, is a potential cause. Now that the son has major anger issues...parent pay not know how to handle it anymore. Hindsight is 20/20 and I think most parents would agree...

I have a buddy who's father is a fairly congenial guy to me and others, but puts a lot of pressure on his son. It wasn't something you would notice immediately, but I picked up on it over time. As a result, my buddy puts extreme expectations on himself to the point of being publicly loud and angry when things don't go his way. It's to the point where he is not very pleasant to be around. Father was a bit more "chilled" in public and probably has mellowed out in his later years, but he was "publicly" embaressed when his son would act out. If I recall, his father even had trouble addressing the issue in public...

Point being...the individual in question has an anger issue and it seems to occur when his expectations are not met. It could very well be that he is "spoiled" and a "momma's boy", but my experience would tell me that it could be the other extreme...[b]he had extreme presure place upon him during his upbringing and failure to meet expectations now raises some major "anger" flags in his life now[/b]. No one outside of the person will truly know/understand the root cause until he decides to address it.
[/quote]

I doubt that is the case. "Typically" homes with high performing expectations don't drive youth to outbursts of anger; its usually garners passive, passive aggressive introverts. That's not to say it doesn't exist, but I haven't seen in during my years around high performing students on campus', professionals or counseling. I wouldn't even go so far as to say he's spoiled. Its more like weak to no parenting, possibly alcoholic parent(s); which translates to no love in adolescents and codependency and festers with age; also far too common over the last twenty years.

[Smash Factors]

[quote name='Pepperturbo' timestamp='1372723004' post='7366710']
[quote name='Skaffa77' timestamp='1372688694' post='7361786']
[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372139417' post='7318946']
[quote name='Skaffa77' timestamp='1372126648' post='7317708']
[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372124086' post='7317312']
Sounds like a mommas boy, and his dad should have whipped his a$$ when he was younger and all 3 of you would not be dealing with this situation currently. But there is a pattern, his dad is afraid to confront him and so are you. WHY? Until he sees that there are consequences to his actions (not playing with you and losing that connection as "golfing buddy" and having to try to find someone else to put up with him) nothing is going to change. Life is tough, not everything is gonna be non-confrontational, but a persons actions are their responsibilty and if he cant control his self, then why should you burden yourself with him on the course? It is definitely time for his dad to step up and to straighten him out. I wouldnt want my legacy to be the type of fool you describe.
[/quote]

Ironically, his behavior could be a result of extreme expectations by his parents (whippings, perfectionism, etc).
[/quote]
You must not have read that he disrespects his father, and his father balks at bringing his actions up with his son but talks about his behavior to others. With all that being said, I don't think what you're thinking is correct, but I will admit I may be wrong.
[/quote]

No, I read that. You're making an assumption that the person's behavior to his father and his father's reaction is justification of being spoiled. I'm saying it may not be the case. Just because the father is a bit embaressed by his son's behavior doesn't mean that his son grew up with a sense of spoiled entitlement. It's very much possible that the other extreme, high expectations and perfectionism, is a potential cause. Now that the son has major anger issues...parent pay not know how to handle it anymore. Hindsight is 20/20 and I think most parents would agree...

I have a buddy who's father is a fairly congenial guy to me and others, but puts a lot of pressure on his son. It wasn't something you would notice immediately, but I picked up on it over time. As a result, my buddy puts extreme expectations on himself to the point of being publicly loud and angry when things don't go his way. It's to the point where he is not very pleasant to be around. Father was a bit more "chilled" in public and probably has mellowed out in his later years, but he was "publicly" embaressed when his son would act out. If I recall, his father even had trouble addressing the issue in public...

Point being...the individual in question has an anger issue and it seems to occur when his expectations are not met. It could very well be that he is "spoiled" and a "momma's boy", but my experience would tell me that it could be the other extreme...[b]he had extreme presure place upon him during his upbringing and failure to meet expectations now raises some major "anger" flags in his life now[/b]. No one outside of the person will truly know/understand the root cause until he decides to address it.
[/quote]

I doubt that is the case. "Typically" homes with high performing expectations don't drive youth to outbursts of anger; its usually garners passive, passive aggressive introverts. That's not to say it doesn't exist, but I haven't seen in during my years around high performing students on campus', professionals or counseling. I wouldn't even go so far as to say he's spoiled. Its more like weak to no parenting, possibly alcoholic parent(s); which translates to no love in adolescents and codependency and festers with age; also far too common over the last twenty years.
[/quote]

My god. How far could you possibly over-analyze this?

[MattTheTaff]

To the OP. I think you know deep down what you need to do.


You need to sleep with his girlfriend

[Pepperturbo]

[quote name='Steve Ryan' timestamp='1372729871' post='7367552']
[quote name='Pepperturbo' timestamp='1372723004' post='7366710']
[quote name='Skaffa77' timestamp='1372688694' post='7361786']
[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372139417' post='7318946']
[quote name='Skaffa77' timestamp='1372126648' post='7317708']
[quote name='jdmorris1980' timestamp='1372124086' post='7317312']
Sounds like a mommas boy, and his dad should have whipped his a$$ when he was younger and all 3 of you would not be dealing with this situation currently. But there is a pattern, his dad is afraid to confront him and so are you. WHY? Until he sees that there are consequences to his actions (not playing with you and losing that connection as "golfing buddy" and having to try to find someone else to put up with him) nothing is going to change. Life is tough, not everything is gonna be non-confrontational, but a persons actions are their responsibilty and if he cant control his self, then why should you burden yourself with him on the course? It is definitely time for his dad to step up and to straighten him out. I wouldnt want my legacy to be the type of fool you describe.
[/quote]

Ironically, his behavior could be a result of extreme expectations by his parents (whippings, perfectionism, etc).
[/quote]
You must not have read that he disrespects his father, and his father balks at bringing his actions up with his son but talks about his behavior to others. With all that being said, I don't think what you're thinking is correct, but I will admit I may be wrong.
[/quote]

No, I read that. You're making an assumption that the person's behavior to his father and his father's reaction is justification of being spoiled. I'm saying it may not be the case. Just because the father is a bit embaressed by his son's behavior doesn't mean that his son grew up with a sense of spoiled entitlement. It's very much possible that the other extreme, high expectations and perfectionism, is a potential cause. Now that the son has major anger issues...parent pay not know how to handle it anymore. Hindsight is 20/20 and I think most parents would agree...

I have a buddy who's father is a fairly congenial guy to me and others, but puts a lot of pressure on his son. It wasn't something you would notice immediately, but I picked up on it over time. As a result, my buddy puts extreme expectations on himself to the point of being publicly loud and angry when things don't go his way. It's to the point where he is not very pleasant to be around. Father was a bit more "chilled" in public and probably has mellowed out in his later years, but he was "publicly" embaressed when his son would act out. If I recall, his father even had trouble addressing the issue in public...

Point being...the individual in question has an anger issue and it seems to occur when his expectations are not met. It could very well be that he is "spoiled" and a "momma's boy", but my experience would tell me that it could be the other extreme...[b]he had extreme presure place upon him during his upbringing and failure to meet expectations now raises some major "anger" flags in his life now[/b]. No one outside of the person will truly know/understand the root cause until he decides to address it.
[/quote]

I doubt that is the case. "Typically" homes with high performing expectations don't drive youth to outbursts of anger; its usually garners passive, passive aggressive introverts. That's not to say it doesn't exist, but I haven't seen in during my years around high performing students on campus', professionals or counseling. I wouldn't even go so far as to say he's spoiled. Its more like weak to no parenting, possibly alcoholic parent(s); which translates to no love in adolescents and codependency and festers with age; also far too common over the last twenty years.
[/quote]

My god. How far could you possibly over-analyze this?
[/quote]

Considering my credentials and profession, it didn't take much in the way of critical reasoning. Sorry if you're not familiar with the subject and don't like honesty.

[tgss]

[quote name='Barnacle' timestamp='1372088341' post='7313106']
I have searched for and read some of the other posts on this subject but I feel this is a bit more specific. I have a friend that I play golf with occasionally and 9 times out of 10 he gets extremely angry towards the half way point of the back 9 (Usually, sometimes its sooner). I mean start throwing his clubs, his ball, slamming his clubs into the bag, not talking to anyone. This last round he did all that and then actually got out of the cart and started walking, saying I was driving the cart to rough (I missed a little trench on the cart path and the cart jumped pretty bad). Now I know he gets mad because he practices almost every day and hits the ball great on the range, but when he goes to the course instead of letting his swing do its thing he tries to control the ball, when it doesn't do what he wants he loses it. It makes for a very uncomfortable round for everyone involved. Our usual group is me, him, and our fathers. We played Saturday and he didn't say goodbye to either his father or myself and I was parked next too him. He just got in his car and literally sped off the golf course, embarrassing doesn't begin to cover it. His dad walked over to me after the round and commented it would be a long time before he plays with him again.

Sorry for the rant but I felt some back story was needed.

My issue is this, we are room mates. We live in a house together with my girlfriend and his fiance. It's easy enough for me to turn him down for a round. Generally a "no thanks" will suffice. But how do I go play 18 without asking him to go? We have been long time friends and I don't want to ruin the friendship over golf, but I also don't want golf ruined because of a bad attitude.

Any and all suggestions, or questions welcome.

"Golf doesn't build character, it reveals it."
[/quote]
I had a friend like that and told him either stop the bad behavior or find another partner. Also ask him if he thinks its fun for you to play alongside of such anxiety ..his answer is going to tell you whether or not you should be fiends with him in the first place ! For instance if he says "I dont care" then he really means he doesnt care about YOU .